{"id":26425,"date":"2016-06-19T13:25:07","date_gmt":"2016-06-19T11:25:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/imakeyousmile.se\/?p=26425"},"modified":"2016-06-19T13:25:07","modified_gmt":"2016-06-19T11:25:07","slug":"alskade-mamma","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/imakeyousmile.se\/en\/alskade-mamma\/","title":{"rendered":"Beloved mom"},"content":{"rendered":"

I do not know how to start this post, at the same time as I want you to know and understand why there will be a bit of a bad update here in the near future \u2665<\/p>\n

Last Thursday I had the worst night of my life. My mother has for several years struggled with anxiety and depression, it has been so incredibly tough for all of us children and grandchildren but we have always cared and been close. She has been on sick leave for a whole year now and Miska and I have more or less lived here with her since then.<\/p>\n

Mamma har haft en b\u00e4ttre period i n\u00e4stan 3 m\u00e5nader nu, d\u00e5 hon i tisdags\u00a0fick ett bakslag. Den natten sov jag och Miska d\u00e4r som vanligt, och p\u00e5 morgonen verkade hon glad och som sig sj\u00e4lv. Det sista jag sa till henne innan vi \u00e5kte till jobbet var att vi var s\u00e5 varma p\u00e5 natten att jag vaknade och satte i myggn\u00e4tet i f\u00f6nstret. Myggn\u00e4tet som mamma tillverkat sj\u00e4lv av en tr\u00e4ram och \u00f6l-reklam fr\u00e5n Spendrups, som man \u00e4r s\u00e5 van att se att man inte ens reflekterar \u00f6ver att alla som g\u00e5r f\u00f6rbi ser en stor r\u00f6d villa med blommor och en blomstrande tr\u00e4dg\u00e5ng – och en stor \u00f6l-bild i f\u00f6nstret. Inget konstigt, man tager vad man haver. Jag visste inte om jag hade satt fast myggn\u00e4tet r\u00e4tt och jag sa \u00e5t henne\u00a0att ta en titt p\u00e5 det sen s\u00e5 att det inte bl\u00e5ser iv\u00e4g eller n\u00e5tt “jaa you should not have to have any spiders in the room when you get home<\/em>She replied. And that was the last thing she said to me.<\/p>\n

The night after we slept in Uppsala.<\/p>\n

But on the Thursday after work, Miska and I went home with a pizza so that my mother would have something to eat. But it was too late. Mother's body could no longer fight. Finding her is a memory image and a shock that will never disappear from my retina.<\/p>\n

Beloved mother \u2665<\/p>\n

\"mother\"<\/p>\n

Here is a picture from one of my mother's last days in life, the whole picture screams mother \u2665 The Moomin cup she received as a gift and always drank from, the ice cream she bought several cartons of because it was so good AND cheap, only 22.90 for six pieces, we teased (heartily) with her so much because she talked in such detail about those ice creams. And we got to eat as many as we wanted. And a four-leaf clover, mother always looked for four-leaf clover - and found! She kept the count and found so extremely many just this summer, one day there were 35! She has probably found over 100 in total just this summer, and another barely found a single one when they tried.<\/p>\n

Jag saknar henne s\u00e5 mycket… Jag har inte l\u00e4mnat huset sen vi kom hit,\u00a0f\u00f6rs\u00f6ker bearbeta allting, och precis varenda grej p\u00e5minner om mamma. En halv \u00f6l-burk i k\u00e4llaren, tv\u00e5len som snart var slut och som hon fyllt med s\u00e5 mycket vatten f\u00f6r att f\u00e5 ut det sista att det typ \u00e4r vatten\u00a0med doft av tv\u00e5l, som jag pikade henne om\u00a0f\u00f6rra helgen “a little water is enough to get the last one out, you do not have to fill up half the bottle and wash your hands with scented water for a month<\/em>“. Hennes odiskade Mumin-kopp p\u00e5 diskb\u00e4nken, andningsmedicinen bredvid hennes dator i vardagsrummet, l\u00e4sglas\u00f6gonen bredvid spisen, alla hennes blommor och v\u00e4xter som hon f\u00e5tt att v\u00e4xa s\u00e5 mycket att dom snart v\u00e4ller ut ur krukorna, hennes (och mina och Miskas) nytv\u00e4ttade kl\u00e4der som hon h\u00e4ngt p\u00e5 tork, myggn\u00e4tet i mitt rum..<\/p>\n

And so many memories.<\/p>\n

We are a big family and I am so lucky to have so many around me who care, we cry together, talk about memories and joke about my mother's all the nonsense and what she would say if she saw us now. I was incredibly close to my mother and it is impossible to describe the pain in my chest that I have now, but I know that she is better now. She has fought so much for so long \u2665<\/p>\n

Mamma har skrivit dagbok och anteckningar de senaste \u00e5ret som jag h\u00e5ller p\u00e5 att g\u00e5 igenom nu f\u00f6r att f\u00e5 \u00e4nnu mer f\u00f6rst\u00e5else, v\u00e4ldigt jobbigt samtidigt som det k\u00e4nns s\u00e5 sk\u00f6nt att f\u00e5 ta del av hennes egna tankar. Allt fr\u00e5n stoltheten om dagar hon orkat k\u00e4mpa och k\u00e4nna lycka, om v\u00e5rden som sviker henne g\u00e5ng p\u00e5 g\u00e5ng och om all tid vi har varit d\u00e4r “Helena och Miska har lagat tacograt\u00e4ng” “Ber\u00e4ttade f\u00f6r Helena om…..” och hur tacksam hon har varit \u00f6ver v\u00e5rt t\u00e5lamod.<\/p>\n

It has been nice to be able to write a little, and above all nice that you know now. It was so hard to sit there on the balcony floor, when Miska just called 112 and explained that it had been so long that there was nothing to do, and knew that No <\/em>another knows yet. But now most people know, even you, and it feels very nice.<\/p>\n

We'll see when we hear again.<\/p>\n

Thank you for all of you \u2665<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Jag vet inte hur jag ska b\u00f6rja det h\u00e4r inl\u00e4gget, samtidigt som jag vill att ni ska veta och f\u00f6rst\u00e5 varf\u00f6r det kommer vara lite d\u00e5lig uppdatering h\u00e4r den n\u00e4rmaste tiden\u00a0\u2665 I torsdags var jag med om den v\u00e4rsta kv\u00e4llen i mitt liv. Min mamma har i flera \u00e5rs tid k\u00e4mpat med \u00e5ngest och depression, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":30,"featured_media":26426,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-26425","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-allmant"],"yoast_head":"\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\t\n\t\n\n